YES! I will call you.
YES! I will do it for you!
YES! I should do it because person is important than me saying NO
YES! I agree as I don’t want to hurt you!
YES! I did this because I am scared of fights
Above statements are daily part of our lives isn’t it? However, there are times when we regret our acceptance to something or someone when we actually didn’t mean it. This all starts from childhood .There is a need to be accepted and loved from our school group, college group, a particular friend. Then as we grow, the source group shifts and need of acceptance continues. Now we need from someone special, work colleagues, superiors, peers, family, life partner and the list goes on! We all experience this in our work and personal life isn’t it!!
Have we ever thought why I say yes when we want to say NO? The fact lies in the need of it. Many a times, we say YES to something in spite we want to say NO because of these two aspects
- Need of love or acceptance
- Fear of uncertainty
It’s interesting to get into the details
- Need of love or acceptance
We all have accepted few behaviors at times just to fulfill the need of being loved or need of being accepted. This happens when someone is raised by emotionally unavailable parent, someone who has lived alone for longer time, someone who had a difficult past or an event in any area of life. This triggers the inherent need of Love and acceptance. This also develops a fear of left-out or not loved. Right from the child hood, the place of love and care is fulfilled by parents. There are many adults today who struggle with this “YES syndrome” who are raised by emotionally unavailable parents. As they grow, their need of love takes backseat and their survival responsibilities takes over. Most importantly, their mind unconsciously seeks love and acceptance, which they never experienced in their childhood, and that’s where the “yes” starts .In order to fulfill this, without even giving second thought, they say YES. Some gets into emotional slavery! Some allows taking person for granted. And they keep on saying “YES” with a hope that they will receive love or acceptance!
Now let’s have a look at another aspect
- Fear of Uncertainty
This is a by-product of the need of love. We all operate from certain fears that we don’t want to deal with. Fear of uncertainty is one of them. When we do things we don’t want to, there is a fear of “what if I lose or hurt a person”. There is so much fear that one can go into pleasing mode or slavery of a person to an extent that eventually they will forget what they want from life! In family situations, people avoid confrontations and they accept certain behaviors just to be please or fulfill this need of love. This is nothing but illusion of love. People who actually love and care behave differently than people who create illusion of love. These are people who operate out of their fears of losing their presence in someone‘s life.
How to address?
The fact is, we don’t know what tomorrow will bring! So there is no question of uncertainty and fear of losing people or something we think will end our life if lost, in this present moment. The master key to all is, work on yourself! Your self-image! Your beliefs! The moment you shift your source of the need internally, you no longer need to have acceptance from external people.
Once you choose what is important for you and work internally first, you will gradually become a person who is absolutely comfortable in your own skin.
That’s where the self-discovery starts! Then the journey is all about, being a fulfilled person and be confident about your own thoughts and actions. Once you experience this clarity, it becomes easier to take a stand for yourself. Once you learn this art of putting your emotions first, your story of “ I said yes when I want to say NO” will shift to “ I said NO when I want to say NO”